In October of 1999, three public servants disappeared in the woods near Burkittsville, Maryland, while filming a documentary.
A year later their footage was discovered.
President William Jefferson Michael Williams Clinton set out with Heather Donahu, a C-SPAN intern and audio specialist, and Joshua Leonardo, a C-SPAN cameraman, for the backwoods of Maryland. They were in search of the mysterious Blair Witch, an evil entity rumored to have stolen American foreign policy.
After an exhaustive search, local authorities found the officials' equipment along with some Burger King wrappers and a handwritten diary belonging to Clinton buried under the foundation of an ancient log cabin. Police said they would not speculate on the reason the modern film equipment and backpacks were found under the hundred-year old structure, but did say the footage discovered gave a rather detailed picture of the last few days of their lives.
This is their story, as told by Clinton's journal.
Oct. 20th - We are Three, Three are we. Three is a magic number. One is the number for leadership, for creativity, but we are Three. A little worried about how this trip will go, about whether we will find the witch. The witch apparently has stolen foreign policy before. This will be the first time I am in charge of something, so I don't want to mess it up.
Set out early this morning in search of foreign policy. We all met at Heather's house since 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. already was full of voters from New York. Her mom offered to make us breakfast, and I obliged since she was cute in an older kind of way. Her daughter isn't bad, either. Should be interesting spending a few days in the woods with Heather, if only the camera guy wasn't around.
No! Must be strong! Must keep the integrity of the group! Still ...
Made it to Burkittsville about mid-morning to begin investigating. Spoke to a woman carrying a child who kept picking his nose. I meant to listen to what the woman said, in case it was important, but missed it because my mind was on the child and how funny it was that he was picking his nose.
The woman said something about our United Nations dues and how we might lose voting privileges next year if we don't pay them, and the kid kept screeching every time she said "U.N." I became annoyed at how much the conversation resembled a discussion I had with John McCain.
Decided to go get Burger King before interviewing weird Mary woman who lives in the woods.
I ordered a Whopper. Cheese was no good. Should have known better than to order Burger King in sticksville.
Interviewed weird Mary woman. She said the Blair Witch told her only 21 of the 154 countries that signed the 1996 test-ban treaty have signed the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, and that the CIA might not be able to detect small nuclear tests.
Weird Mary said I must remember around 50 countries have ratified the treaty. I must remember if we can locate submarines with satellites by the way their metal mass bends the earth's magnetic field, we should be able to detect the EM pulse from any earthbound nuclear test. Need to find out what that means. Woman also said there is no way to enforce the CTBT, since once a country is able to make nuclear weapons, there is no way to force Pandora back in the box. Should use threat of sanctions.
Must hold things together. Unity is key. If the United States gives up any role it has in the world, there is no way to have influence over other countries. Give up involvement in U.N. and World Bank - DISASTER! Can no longer use them to force open markets and bully.
Got wasted tonight. I may be losing Heather and Josh. Should try to lead more. Must be strong.
Oct. 21 - Visited coffin rock. Whoo, scary! The budget for foreign policy died there - 14 percent of it was cut! Wye accords were killed by the witch - cornerstone to Mideast peace. No debt relief to world's poorest countries, no pay for the Peace Corps. Blair Witch killed them all!
Apparently, Blair Witch said it wouldn't take from social security, even though its budget already demands fishing into social security accounts. The witch uses some kind of accounting voodoo to pay for budget items - like designating things as "emergency" spending items so they are not bound by congressional caps. The Blair Witch already has made Pentagon maintenance and census funding emergency expenditures. The Blair Witch is evil.
Into the woods! Scary! Found strange stones. Hope we don't get lost! I have a map from the Truman era to guide our foreign policy. Truman Doctrine was good. Dewey, Republican, was good. Marshall plan was good, good foreign policy.
Trying to keep group together, Heather and Josh, Josh and Heather.
I'm not doing a good job of writing in this journal. Sorry. Sorry.
Oct. 22 - In woods. Josh kicked our map into the river after we discovered the Cold War was why Truman's foreign policy was bipartisan. Cold War is over. We have no map. I wanted to kill Josh, but he is right. I could use a cigarette. Must not lose hope. Must keep hope. Heather yelled at me today. I must be strong. Still, I feel like crying. I miss Buddy.
Oct. 23 - Heard noises! Noises in the night! Voices saying that domestic programs will fall in the budget cuts - community policing, meals for senior citizens, Head Start, and national institutes of health - all fallen! Afraid. I want to go home, but I can't find my way out of these woods. We keep running into the same rock piles. I smell, I'm hungry. Tried eating leaves today. Did not taste good - wish I had that Whopper now!
Yow! Sticks! In the trees! Mommee! I'm sorry, sorry sorry.
The journal ends there.
The rediscovered video footage from the last moments reveals little, other than the interior of the cabin and a prunelike old fellow bearing a resemblance to Jesse Helms.
Helms was not available for comment.
Investigations into the disappearance were cut short when the C-SPAN network demanded the return of its only camera. It apparently had been reported missing following a white house staff meeting Leonardo was covering a year earlier. C-SPAN had to resort this year to showing footage from the House of Lords.
Strangely, its ratings have improved steadily.
The case has been declared inactive and unsolved.